I woke up this morning,

and thought "Where the hell am I?". Comfortable bed: check. Pleasantly warm room: check. So it certainly wasn't my flat, anyway.

Then I remembered I stayed at Kate's after Faye and Donnie's engagement party. Claire and Dave were staying that night as well, so I got up to say good morning (or afternoon). Here's a blow-by-blow account of the next few astonishing minutes.

Minute 1: the search. I get dressed and wander through the flat looking for people. No-one there, apart from Suzie the cat, who wakes from her slumber.

Minute 2: disbelief. I put on my jacket and make to open the door. Shit, I think. It's deadlocked and I don't have a key. Starting to get hungry. The cat is looking at me with vague suspicion.

Minute 3: abject fear. I weep with abandon and curl into a foetal position, wailing "Why? Why?". I could really do with some breakfast to calm my growling stomach. Cat still there.

Minute 4: resignation. I phone Kate (who's in Aberdeen) and leave a pitiful message telling her that I've been locked in. Getting very hungry now. The cat is looking A) tasty and B) at me, with narrowed eyes.

Minute 5: any second now, a titanic battle for survival between me and Suzie is going to erupt. Man versus beast in elemental struggle. Fortunately my phone rings and Kate tells me that her flatmate Velma is coming back from work to let me out. I salute my feline nemesis and settle down to watch the telly until Velma arrives.

A tale unlike any you've ever read, I'll wager. Hard to believe it all happened, really.